Aliyah looked ahead into the distance past the boundaries of the pond filled with ducks and ripples that mesmerised and calmed the chatter in her mind. She often stared into the gentle water ripples, while her senses took in the sweet sounds of the ducks, the birds and the rustle of the green trees. The gentle murmurs of the ducks kept her engaged with the environment all around her. The animals were in a world of their own that she would never understand.
Aliyah was of average height, with a balanced physique. Her defining feature was a pair of deep, kind hazel eyes that radiated warmth. People often mistook her olive complexion for that of a Spanish origin, which added to her allure. Her wavy ash brown hair, which she covered with a hijab, added a touch of elegance to her overall appearance. Her delicate, thin nose perfectly complemented her heart-shaped face. Neither thin nor full, her lips struck a harmonious balance, enhancing her natural beauty. Whenever she smiled, her straight, white teeth brightened up her face, making her even more captivating.
However, Aliyah faced an ongoing struggle with her weight. She had a tendency to fluctuate, adhering to the pattern of a classic yo-yo dieter. Her emotional well-being played a significant role in determining her weight. During periods of good emotional health, her weight would align with a healthy BMI. However, in times of distress, her weight would suffer, along with the condition of her teeth.
Aliyah’s emotional struggles were unique to her. She internalises her pain, both emotionally and physically. This was evident in her nightly teeth grinding, a manifestation of her stress and emotional turmoil. Additionally, she experienced persistent itchy skin as her body’s response to heightened emotional states.
She always felt alone, thinking that no one wanted her. The usual negative chatter she battled in her mind was like a warzone that never stopped. Anxiety and the suffocation she felt seemed out of her control. “What will I do if I never get married? Why me? Why not me? Who do you think you are that you deserve better than the next person? Why should you receive a good husband? There are women out there better than YOU, why do you think you should receive a good man?”
But Allah is kind. Allah is generous. She got up from the park bench and reluctantly walked away from the calming effects of the pond with its own little e-co system, entirely different from her world. What would it feel like if she were a duck? What struggles would she face if she were a duck? Would her only complaint be not getting enough seeds and bread donated to her by the walkers that pass her by? Would she prefer the life of a duck over being a human with all its lonely challenges and obstacles that she had to navigate through ?
These questions would never be fulfilled. She lived in this world and was confined to its rules. She had to accept her fate, whatever that may be. She was just so deeply grateful that she lived in a beautiful area of London and got to enjoy the ducks and the nature parks. She was grateful that it wasn’t raining bombs on her head; she was grateful she was safe. However, she suffered from the disease of loneliness. She suffered from the hunger to be touched. “Am I not attractive enough?” she wondered. “No, not at all. I’ve had many offers from those willing to use me for a night or for more. But my dignity and my fear for the afterlife would never allow me to explore the realm of promiscuity that people like to call freedom. That is a world of darkness that only leads further into darkness, away from the beloved.”
She couldn’t describe the joy she felt through prayer, despite the deep suffering she felt, due to the lack of sleep which was due to the hunger for touch that ached all over her body.A feeling that took her by surprise, she didn’t realise that one can experience a hunger for physical touch like one experiences physical hunger for food.Despite this feeling, chastity and patience gave her peace. “I want to die pure,” she thought. “Either Allah relieves me or I find relief in the next world.” Some would view this as an awful predicament, thinking she was missing out. “No, not at all,” she thought. “All I’m missing out on is pointless relationships, pointless time-consuming emotions, and risk-taking STDs! On top of that, losing my religion. And perhaps even missing out on meeting the love of my life! How does one expect relief from Allah when they indulge in their carnal desires on the side? That’s not how it works!”
“You see, unless you’ve tasted the sweetness of worship, you’ll never understand why anyone would put themselves through it,” she thought. “And despite my situation that stares at me on a daily basis, a situation I can’t ignore as much as I try, the loneliness that feels like cancer, the loneliness that feels like an endless black hole, the deep yearning for relief that can only be experienced by marrying a religious, God-fearing man. Felt like a pipe dream to her!
To Aliyah, marriage was a miraculous union that only Allah could bring about. She had given up trying to find a solution on her own and instead turned to prayer, asking Allah to guide her to a partner who was not only religious and God-fearing but also compatible with her. She knew that marriage was a complex relationship that required compatibility on multiple levels.
As Aliyah walked towards the bus stop, she felt a sense of relief as she let go of her stressful thoughts and recited quietly on her phone. She replaced negative thoughts with hopeful ones, placing her trust in Allah and relinquishing control. She realised that Allah knows what’s best for her, even if she didn’t understand how or why.
Moving forward, Aliyah resolved to stop questioning the “how’s,” “where’s,” and “whys” of finding a partner. Instead, she would accept her situation, submit to Allah’s will, pray, and trust that He would guide her towards what’s best. Little did she know, this epiphany would bring her closer to the end of her lonely years.