Sundus’s story

‘Relief‘

“She heard the knock on the door at 12 noon and wondered who on earth this could be. She hadn’t made any arrangements with anyone, and none of her friends were coming over. Following her husband’s strict orders, she had been avoiding opening the door for anyone. Even though her husband’s wishes didn’t matter much to her, as she had checked out of the marriage a long time ago and desperately wanted a divorce, she needed time to figure out a way to escape.

Curiosity mixed with fear compelled Sundus to approach the windows cautiously. To her surprise, she saw two police officers, a man and a woman, standing by the front door. As anxiety fluttered within her, she quickly donned an abaya, wrapped a hijab around her hair, and mustered the courage to open the door.

‘Hello, are you Mrs. Sundus Kareem?’ the lady officer asked with a calm and sympathetic tone.

Sundus, her heart pounding, replied, ‘Yes, has something happened?’

The officer continued, ‘May we come in? We need to speak to you.’

Sundus took a step back, allowing the officers to enter, and pointed towards the living room, offering them a seat. Her mind raced with a mix of anticipation and trepidation.

The lady officer began, ‘This morning, your husband Abdul Razzaq was involved in a car accident. His friend Hammad was driving, and at 10:15 am, a drunk driver was speeding, lost control of the wheel, and collided with your husband and Hammad. Unfortunately, your husband passed away instantly, while Hammad is currently in intensive care.’

There was a long pause. Sundus stared at the officer, her emotions swirling, almost unable to comprehend the news. She felt conflicted, wrestling with conflicting thoughts and feelings. How could she, as a Muslim, wish death upon her husband? Yet, the suffocating weight of his presence and their broken relationship left her relieved deep down, almost over the moon. She didn’t feel the need to explain herself to anyone; her true emotions were no one’s business.

Breaking the silence, Sundus asked with a mix of genuine concern and a touch of obligation, ‘Which hospital is he at? Can I see him?’

The officer responded, ‘He’s at Northwick Park Hospital. Is there someone you’d like to call? Perhaps a family member to watch over your little girl?’

Sundus’s thoughts turned to her sister, realising she would need support during this difficult time. ‘Yes, my sister. Sorry, I need a moment,’ she replied, her voice trembling.

‘Of course. Would you like us to step outside while you collect yourself or make a phone call? We’d be happy to drive you to the hospital,’ the officer offered, understanding the emotional turmoil Sundus was experiencing.

Sundus, still in complete shock, focused her gaze on a vase in the corner of the room, sitting on a small round vintage table. The police officer followed her gaze and then slowly turned to face Sundus.

‘I… I need 15 minutes to get ready,’ Sundus finally uttered, her attention still fixated on the vase.

The police officers stood up, acknowledging her need for time, and made their way to the door. Sundus accompanied them, her mind overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions.

‘We’re parked at the end of the road. Take your time, Mrs. Kareem,’ the officer said, offering a reassuring nod.

‘Okay, thank you,’ Sundus replied softly, as the weight of relief settled upon her.

Once the door was shut, Sundus’s face cracked into a bittersweet smile. She was relieved that she would never have to face her husband again, except for his lifeless body on the hospital bed. However, the thought of her daughter growing up without a father left a profound sadness within her.”

She had always fantasised about this day, the day when someone would call and deliver the news of his death in an accident, waiting for her to scream in agony. Except there was no agony and somehow, that day had arrived. She couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt, as if her desires had somehow willed it into existence. It was as if someone out there had received her hidden longing and decided to fulfil her wish. Of course, she never prayed for such a thing. Only Allah knew of this yearning deep within her. Instead of praying for his death, she had prayed for a way out. Perhaps this was her path to freedom. Maybe Allah had chosen to make it easier for her by taking his soul, or maybe it was simply his time to go, and her patience had finally paid off. The ultimate truth lies with Allah, for only He knows best.

One thing she undeniably felt was a profound sense of relief, knowing that she would never have to endure him again. His negative energy, his explosive temper followed by violence, his perpetual sense of doom and gloom, and his controlling behaviour had suffocated her. The financial struggles resulting from his refusal to maintain a stable job had taken its toll. She had reached a point where she was utterly repulsed by him, having lost all respect. It finally dawned on her, at the young age of 22, that he was a selfish and irresponsible man. She realised she had to end this suffocating marriage. How could she raise their daughter in such an unhealthy environment? With no steady income, how could she home school their daughter as he insisted? Education requires financial stability, and the strain of continuing with him was driving her to the brink of insanity. She felt like she was losing her mind and her very sense of self. A toxic husband has the power to lead any sane woman, down a path of madness.